Monday, 17 October 2011

  • Tarot Cards

    For some reason, I've always been interested in many different things. Always seemingly on a whim, but hey, I don't try to control what I like. One such interest happened to be in tarot cards. How accurate are they? Can they really be trusted? I'm not sure myself, but I still wanted to try. So, just as a warning maybe, I will be using my xanga, not only to write dream entries, but also my what my tarot cards have produced. (Talking about dreams, I had two by the time I really woke up this morning and I do not remember a single one. I just remember a confused feeling, and something I wanted to avoid).

    Back to tarots, so I asked a question, "When will my soulmate appear?" I think this is a horrible question that I phrased after the ordeal was over. 1. I am an amateur at this, and have no clue how to read timing in the cards. 2. I have enough trouble reading the cards as is. So, rather than actually trying to decipher too much meaning, let me tell you the cards I got. I used the Cross of Truth layout for my first try. My Basis card was the Queen of Wands. I read the description, and though I can relate to some characteristics, on a whole, I don't feel it described the kind of person I am. My Desires card was The Knight of Cups. Definitely a fantasy... the ideal, romantic guy... but yes, the guy I do want. The Helpful card was very confusing for me... it was The Devil. Mystery, secrets? Those are helpful? But he was Pan before he was devil, so there's also the part about being sexual and stuff... I'm just confused. My Obstacles card was Five of Cups. He represented disappointment, being held back by the past. I could understand this card. It's really saying that I am my own obstacle. Things from my past are stopping me from pursuing anyone, because I don't think I can. I feel that I am the disappointment. Finally, last card, which is my Outcome. This card was the Six of Swords. Moving our of stormy waters into a calmer one? Doesn't seem to fit with my question or situation. But the other part, where it represented a long physical journey, usually over waters. Does that mean I will meet someone in another country? I have no plans to move out of the US at this time though... so does that mean I'm not gonna meet someone for a long long time? Tarot reading is definitely not easy....

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

  • Today, I cried.

    The telltale signs from my pillow are already gone, but I can still feel the emotions the dream had conjured inside me. I've never had an actual nightmare nightmare before(I'm thinking demons and ghosts or whatever attacking me) but I guess this is as close as it gets. It probably is a nightmare, but I think of these more as sad dreams.

    My dream had almost an Ender's Game setting. No sci-fi, and no genius children that are also dangerous weapons. Basically, I was part of some program/project etc. I have no clue for what though, whether it was a government project or company. Anyways, they decided to let me go, because I was no use to them anymore, or something of that sort. They were unhappy with me and seemed to have the thoughts good riddance. Well, I am exhausted and I go back to my home. And I realized, I know this dream, I've had it before. I quickly asked my family where my mother was, even though I knew the answer. I knew the answer because this was a dream I recognized: my mother was dead. She passed away while I was gone. Nobody would tell me though. Everyone gave me a vague answer or just told me she had gone somewhere. The dream had a bluish dark tinge to it the whole time, as if it was forever nearing nighttime/a cloudy day. I cried in my room, and it wasn't just silent, tears falling down my face. It was loud cries and wailing. Then, I was finally able to isolate my sister in my room because she had probably come to check up on me. I asked her if our mom was dead. She didn't answer me. She just held onto the window sill and stared out the window, while the light from the window cast a blue glow on her face,since my room was so dark. And I knew the answer, I knew that her silence was a confirmation. And I resumed my crying and wailing. Then I finally woke up. But it was no use. The feelings from my dream overwhelmed me so much that I started crying. And I was crying even though I knew it was just a dream, even though I knew my mom was in the bathroom washing up to get ready for work. It was still 8:21 am. I finally calmed myself down enough to fall back into a sleep. I dreamed again, this time it seemed like I was Ginger from As Told By Ginger. I don't remember much from this dream, just that I was with my boyfriend(Daryl from the tv show as well I think) and I was walking outside in the neighborhood. It was also nighttime, and there was no one outside. Then we were in his room, and I told him about my dream. He was understanding, but I think at one point he also kind of smiled/laughed at me. The me in the dream didn't mind, as I was crying and balling into his arms, but the me in my subconscious was a little miffed that he would laugh at my dream, especially since it was my mom that I dream had died. I wouldn't know what else happened though, since my aunt called me and woke me up.. it was 9:50 am. Either way, I hope I never have this kind of dream again.

Friday, 19 August 2011

  • Shit...

    That's the word that keeps coming to mind. I feel like crap right now. I don't know what to do or think. I know I'm gonna get over this. But I can't help but feel like I'm soooo freaking stupid! I've always wanted to save my virginity for my first boyfriend. Or even just wait until marriage. But I've always been this... girl that is so into sex. I've masturbated since young. I didn't know it was masturbation then. But of course, as I grew older I knew. I went through guilt phases for liking it so much. But my masturbation only extended to clitoris. I've tried penetration a few times with only fingers, but it hurt so I never continued further. I've always had this fascination with porn videos as well. They always turned me on. Anyways, so now, here I am, 21 years old, with no hint of a boyfriend ever coming to my life. Everyone's probably going to say he'll come along soon, but I don't think it'll ever be soon. I have my.... scars to think about. That will be another story for another time, though I feel like I've posted it before. So, I.... ... ordered me some sex toys a few days ago. One of them included a very lifelike "dong" as the manufacturers like to name it. And it came today. I'd been watching some anime porn so I was turned on so I wanted to try it out. Those anime lie sooooooo bad!!!!!!!!!!!! Lol, I feel like I should have known it though but.. I don't know. It made me think sex for the first time couldn't that bad. Was I wrong. It had a suction cup so I placed it on the toilet bowl, and.... proceeded to push it through. It hurt like hell, and I pulled out right away, and the next thing I know, blood came out. It scared me so much. I don't know why. I knew that a hymen existed, I knew that if I were to penetrate my vagina that I would bleed. And still nothing prepared me for the actual reality of blood coming out and dripping onto the toilet lid. I stopped right then and there and jumped into the shower. All the while, I was blaming myself, calling myself stupid, laughing at myself, and also wanting to cry. Everything seemed to have been ruined with my "experiment" and I felt like I've wasted the long wait of 21 years. I tried to console myself, that nowadays, guys don't really care about virginity anyways, but I can't help it. I feel like the kind of guy I date WILL care... then what am I gonna tell him. Will it make him feel better that it was a thing and not a person? lol Sigh, I want to laugh at myself and beat myself up. Now I'm sore down there, and there's still blood down there (I hope that's normal). It did not feel good, though i suppose it will once this whole "first time" thing wears out. Well, this post is just to remind me when I first lost my virginity and to what.... though I'm gonna say that if I ever want to forget about this incident, this entry will disappear from the cyber world forever. I do want to forget about it now, but I feel like it's at least worth a mention since I feel like I basically ruined my life today, August 19th....

Thursday, 11 August 2011

  • Death Around the Corner

    I feel like I only remember the ends of my dreams now, which sucks. I know there was something about my youngest uncle in my dream, but I don't remember what. Something about him being home, and not having to work. Kelly's mom was in my dream at some point in the beginning I think. And there was also the part where I dreamed my period leaked a little. All this I faintly remember, but cannot give details.

    So where I really do remember my dream though is when a bunch of the second cousins were in the living room of my gram's house and all of us were sitting at the dining table. We were all talking about stuff, and Kelly was there. She told me something that was supposed to be funny I think, but I didn't find it funny. Then the scene jumped a little and my mom was there and my youngest aunt. I was standing and Kelly was sitting in front of me. Kelly was about to ask my mom a question and she mistakenly said "mom." My mom then went on a yelling and screaming frenzy where she told kelly that She was not her daughter so she couldn't call her mom and that she was not her mom and a lot of other things. I thought my mom was kidding at first so I said "Mom!" and tried to laugh it off. But my mom continued and I yelled at her to stop and I went over to give Kelly a hug. Then, I made to teach my mom a lesson(which seemed like I was going to whip her a plastic bead necklace, but my mom had hidden behind/inside a little drawer thing. And then when I actually brought down the necklace on her, she had already disappeared completely. That part was a little freaky.

    After all that, I was depressed and decided to borrow one of the guy's bike within the group for a ride. I think the person I borrowed from was either my cousin Hung Lam or Hawick Lau... and actor haha. So, that person was the depressed person who was supposed to go riding but didn't because he wasn't happy. It was supposed to be Kelly who was sad but my dream always jumps genders and people so whatever. It turned out the bike was a unicycle. I put it in front of me thinking, I don't know how to ride a uni(though I don't know if the thought just came from the me watching my dream or really the me in the dream). Anyways, next thing I do, I step on one of the wheels that gave it the feeling of a motorcyle(though it didn't have all the loud noised or even a motor) but it did end up running on it's own for a bit. I jumped up on it and held onto the handlebars and sat on the seat thinking I can't believe I did it. But, I realized I wasn't supposed to be holding onto handlebars on a unicycle, so I tried to pull myself up. It didn't work cause I didn't have the courage to let go of the handlebars, so I just got off the unicycle instead. I was walking with it when a Middle Eastern(I say this though my first thought was Indian, but the more I think of his looks and the surround environment, I become unsure of his ethnicity)man on his bike stopped to say hi to me. I was still walking but I smiled and said hi. Then I decided that I almost never have anyone flirt with me so I should actually stop and have a conversation. I turned around and gave him a bigger smile and said Hi again. As I did this though, I realized he was on the more mature side, with some white hair mixed in with his dark brown and that he looked around 40. And then, he said hi to his family who were walking across the street, which consisted of a man, a woman, and several children. I thought to myself "wow... big family" because I knew that wasn't the only family members he had. So all those factors made me walk away from him instead. The fact that he was Middle eastern, the fact that he was old, and the fact that he would have a big family too(I already have a big family). 

    So I continued walking and I turned the corner of my block. I saw something that I've never seen before in real life(or around my corner lol). It was a bunch of Arabs holding big guns like the AK47s and such and people kneeling in front of them. I had already walked about 20 ft into the block so I think I was basically across the street from the execution. I got really scared and so like the people next to me I got down on the ground and laid really flat(the unicycle had disappeared from the dream by now). I really wanted to run the rest of the block back to my house but I was afraid that they would shoot me if they saw people moving. My mind was thinking, is this really happening in America??! the whole time. Then, I heard them shoot the people, turn the gun to shoot more people, and watched as they just shot down everyone within their site. Americans, Arabs, anyone walking by the block. My thoughts were to stay put because if I went out there, I would have been shot. But I also kept thinking what happens if they come over here? Everyone had already started running so I decided to do it. Everyone around me was getting shot but I wasn't. I watched all of them get gunned down. I turned the corner and it seems the Arabs must have followed because everyone if front of me was still being shot and getting gunned down. I got too scared at this point and I woke up. 

Monday, 08 August 2011

  • Aliens!!... and dancing?

    So I don't remember where I started off, but what I do remember from this dream is the fact that there were these nasty aliens (shaped like the cartoon green aliens but there were white, almost transparent and a gooey jelly texture. Kind of like alien shaped gummies) and they were after me and my borther. We were inside some sort of great big white building. My brother and I ran straight into a bathroom and held the door shut. We had to press a button at the middle of the door knob in order to keep the door locked tight or else the aliens would get in. I was stuck with that job until I got tired and made my brother do it. There were a few close calls when the aliens were almost able to get in. Then, I decided it wasn't a plan to just stay in the bathroom while the aliens attacked us so I decided we would charge out there. We had to fight off the aliens and I was throwing them off me and pushing because they actually flew away. But of course, I had no weapons and nothing to arm me. The scene jumped to an outdoor scene and one alien grabbed a hold of my soul or something... and it was flying away with it(I think trying to eat it as well?) when I grabbed onto him really tightly and tried to take back my soul. Then, when that wasn't really working, I decided that the only way to get my soul was to eat( or at least bite) the alien along with my soul(the idea was my soul would just go back to its original place when I ate it). So yea... that's what I did, though i did try to spit back the parts that were the alien. Anyways, the scene then jumped back to the spot I was at in the building and my brother had ran ahead. I followed after him and we were I think looking for the big bad boss who was giving the orders to these aliens. To get to him we had to go through a passage or something and there were a bunch of employees at the office who were also trying to get us and was trying to go through the doors. They didn't spot me and all of a sudden the whole floor started to move and rise up. The people who were standing within a certain area of the doors did not move with us, which was basically everyone except me. I was the only one standing far back. So I was ecstatic as we moved up and down( for some reason, I remember it as going up, but the place I had gone to was the lowest level... so.. uhh... shrug lol) Anyways, I did see the boss as the landing was moving but decided not to go to his floor yet. I went to the lowest floor and where it was like a concert hall(and I'm talking classical orchestra concert hall, not popstar) there weren't a lot of people in the audience but music was playing... and I decided to start crazy dancing. I don't dance in real life, I don't know how, and in my dream I was doing all these crazy embarrassing moves that I would never do in real life for fear of being laughed at haha. Anyways, and then Justin Timberlake was in the audience and watching. He looked like he was in some kind of drunken state and like he was at some down point in his life. But as he was watching me dance, he started smiling and like I was some sort of inspiration to him. More and more people were filing in and the next thing I know, Mila Kunis is sitting maybe a few rows in front. Justin appears right in front of her, and before she can react, he passionately kisses her and she kisses him back. I've stopped my dancing at this part and just watch them and the next thing I know, I've woken up haha. I think Friends with Benefits must have really made an impression or something haha

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